Tuesday, April 20, 2010


i thrive on feeling, thrive on knowing that there are problems to fix. i thrive on thinking and worrying, and contemplating my feelings. and i thrive on knowing, that there are more paths than one. not the little paths, those are a waste of time. the bigger ones, the ones which you know you can't turn back from. the ones that your peace of mind depend on. and in some twisted way, i always pick the wrong one. maybe its my brains way of making sure i never get bored, my hearts way of making sure that its constantly worn with what-ifs and regret, and my way of not letting myself be 'content'. and weirdly enough, what i was sure would be the wrong path, turned out to be the best could ever have taken. and contentment has solidified into three extra kilos. and boredom hasn't made an entrance yet, but this strange, restlessness has set in. and I'm cursing myself for waiting for something to go wrong. because paradoxically, i never want anything to. i never want anything to break the reflection and I'm too scared to get too close to the mirage to check if its real, or if its going to shimmer away into silver nothingness. maybe having nothing to do is driving me crazy. maybe I'm too lazy to actually do the things I'm supposed to do and i want to be crazy. so what do i want? i wish someone would tell me. and also, while they're at it, explain a whole lot of other things as well. like why i never want to play my beautiful piano, although i love it almost like its a person. and why i never write down the snatches of thought that i know could be something special and different, and only sit down to write in bad moods and end up writing trash instead. and why i bought a blue phone when i should have bought a white one. well, i know its cause it'll get dirty, but now i want the white one, it'll make the purple cover look better. and why mangoes are never perfect. only Alphonsos (alphanso? alfonso? =s) are sometimes. and how the little sucking-ey mangoes that you don't peel but squeeze, are sometimes the yummiest of all. despite all the gross fibre-ness. and what i should do for college, and what i should tell people when they ask me what i want to do in life and go all bug eyed when i say i don't know. everyone has a plan. hell, i ALWAYS have a plan. i make a list of things to do the next day every night before i go to sleep. sometimes i write it down, but even if i don't, and forget by the morning, it still counts right? so why don't i have a bigger plan? why am i so confused and feeling all weird these days? i think i must start pottery classes. and volunteer at an Ngo. and go to colour factory. and download a better version of minesweeper. and get addicted to new shows. and shut up, and get on with my incredibly meaningful existence. blah.

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